Relationships start out great. You wouldn't get into one if they didn't. It just feels right. You click. It's great. For all the ones that didn't work out, we usually look back and think, "Yeah, shoulda caught onto that quicker.." But we don't. We're so high and we feel safe. Someone cares about you. Someone wants to laugh with you. Someone wants to call you theirs and hug you and touch your butt. So you jump into it. Sometimes we're a little careless. Sometimes we're a little more careful. But either way, it's a chance that your heart wants to take. And it's good for your heart to take those chances; to let it grow and care for someone else.
This "Cloud 9" effect stays for a while. The first month-ish is usually pretty sweet. But things start to get real. And good relationships keep that Cloud 9 going for a while when possible but the truth is, life is stressful; people get upset, sad and depressed. The little things that matter slowly start to show up. You stop putting up with their <whatever> that bothers you. You search for understanding, if you're a good couple. You spend the long hours talking with each other to find common ground. You put the time in. And sometimes that's what you just need. Sometimes, you just can't talk things out. An area that I, myself, struggle with the most. On my mission, I just had this nagging voice telling me that "If I could only find the right words, this person would understand and feel this amazing message." But I learned. Kinda. I still try to explain things to people. I feel I owe them an explanation but many times I find that it's counter productive.
So what do you do when you finally tell your significant other that <this thing> or <that thing> bothers you? Do you hold it in 'til it explodes? Do you find a way to beat around the bush? Are you just direct? Does it matter how you go about it? It's all situationally dependent and person dependent. I have had good and bad experiences with all approaches. Though, holding things in isn't healthy for you or your relationship.
If it's gonna work, you'll see past those faults. You won't take their imperfect actions personally. I've dated a few and I've come to this conclusion: I suck at a lot of things, but the ones who cared the most didn't define me through those things. Most importantly, they didn't take my flaws as personal attacks on them. One girl I dated actually handled my edginess pretty well. She took the time and observed when I would get on edge. And she started feeding me. She told me that she notices that I have a tendency to get upset if I'm hungry so she'd make it a point to go get food with me or cook together more often. It worked. As cliche as that sounds. It really worked. I've pondered that a lot lately, and evaluated myself in that category. I've got some work to do. I definitely need to learn from her.
Then there are the ones that don't work. And there are usually a lot of them. Some relationships last a month. Some go years. But most end. In fact, every single relationship but one will end. That's a pretty morbid view but it's the truth. But why do these ones end? Some end because of unfaithfulness. Some end because of distance. Some end because of life circumstances. But they all end because two pieces.
When I was little, my mom played school with me everyday. I remember playing with puzzles and the satisfaction I got from completing them. If you've ever watched a child play with multiple puzzles at once, you've undoubtedly seen them pull a piece from other puzzles to try and fit with another piece of a different puzzle. It just doesn't work. To a child, the pieces look similar enough to fit with each other but in the end, it's the subtleties that prevent the fitment.
Which one is to blame? Piece A or piece B? Piece A has a sharper cut on one part and B has a rounder cut. Who's fault is it?
When two pieces don't fit, neither one is to blame. This is the harshest reality to us humans. We want to point fingers. We want to be blameless. And well. We are. But so is the other person. Even if that person cheated. No one is at fault for being different a piece. That's not an excuse for making poor decisions but it really comes down to this; they didn't fit with you and you didn't fit with them. So when you point your finger, theirs is justified to be pointed at you as well.
So stop it. We're all different. When things end, you'll come up with endless lists of what that other person did wrong. You could probably even come up with endless things that you did wrong. But none of that matters. You could be as hard on yourself as you want. You could tell all your friends how horrible the other person is. But tell them that they're horrible.... for you. And you for them. It's the law of reciprocation. I just made that up. But it's mathematically true. If you add -1 to 1 or 1 to -1, the sum is still zero. Doesn't matter the order. If -1 makes 1 a zero, then 1 makes -1 a zero as well.
The mud slinging and the finger pointing gets nowhere. I dare say that, in the history of ever, no person, using finger pointing, has fixed a relationship. I'm as guilty as anyone. Like I said earlier, my weakness is trying to explain. And of course, I see through my eyes. (I'm working on seeing through others' eyes but it's hard. No matter who you are, it's hard when push comes to shove.) And I explain this. And I explain that. And it gets nowhere. When the pieces don't fit, we cannot legislate harmony. That's just all there is to it. And the hardest thing to do, is to walk away. We want retribution. We want absolution. But we just won't get it. No amount of talk, reason or logic will make those pieces fit. We will never hear "You're right, I was wrong." We will never hear "I'm sorry." We will never get our time back. We will never overcome the antiparallels. We will never feel good about the differences that ended the relationship. When things end, they end because they didn't get better than they were. And that, alone, leaves a bad taste in our mouths. You can't talk that one out. And this is my weakness. Letting go and accepting antiparallels. No matter what we say, how we spin our words or the other's words differences remain. We are who we are. And for most of us "We are not the same."
From "Parallels" by As I Lay Dying:
From all it is we crave, there must be more to life than to simply stay alive... to simply stay alive.
We are not the same as I hope to show. There is a better way if we just let go.
We are not... we are not the same. We are not... we are not the same. Let go...
In the tension between devouring want or simple need
it's clear the only lines between the ones we preserve.
We are not the same as I hope to show. There is a better way if we just let go.
