I Know I'm Lost

Lately, I've been about as lost as I've ever felt in my life. I decided to write about it in the middle of my inner turmoil no matter how hard it is for me; I know I can't be the only one who has ever felt lost. Looking back on trials seems to be easy. I look back on my mission and the pain and heart wrenching things I had to deal with there have blurred with time. The sharpness of the pain has faded. It's easy now because that trial is over. I swore to myself that I would always remember the pain, the pressure, the anxiety to keep myself available for those who dealt with struggles while on their missions or life in general. I sat down tonight to turn on some music because that's all my mind really understands right now. And I knew that I needed to write; provide a jumbled mess of emotion-driven chaos to illustrate the "in the moment" feeling of hopelessness and forsakenness. Because when the feeling passes, and it will pass, it seems easy to forget, maybe it's a coping mechanism we have.
The past few weeks I have been among differing opinions of theology and morals. I hear those influenced by the LDS church speak of bits and pieces they claim. I hear others claim agnostical apathy. I have been looked down on because I was not part of "The Work" as the polygamous FLDS clans call it. I have been ridiculed because I served a mission. I have been provoked because I swore and as this rather ignorant person put it "I had just undone all the good I did on my mission." I've been reprimanded and turned away for questioning some things in the LDS church by a few members. I've also seen members stand up for someone who has disassociated themselves from the church out of total commitment to righteousness and conviction of truth. Those who know me, know that I observe deeply, by nature. I listen and cross reference everything I've ever heard. For some reason, this war of theology has crushed me. I am a seeker of truth. I do my best to consider all possibilities. It all collided a couple weeks back; everything that I had heard decided to go to battle and I was the host. As if this wasn't enough, I have to spend nearly $4k on my truck to get it fixed. And about 3 days later, I found out my job was on the ropes. Of course the dating thing compounds all of this and happily adds more weight to my shoulders. Then I think of the good things I once had. The rare times I had someone to turn to and breakdown. The ones with whom I didn't have to play the "know-it-all" or  "indestructible". Because I'm not. I don't know it all. I have more weaknesses than I can swallow. And more than anyone currently in my life would know or think that I have. Because "I'm big bad Trevor Hansen" who's got dreams and chases them and never quits. The one who owns his own business, who is never content with mediocrity. The one who has the answers. I'll be the first to tell you, those feelings of alpha-male and "killin' it" go away more frequently than the observers could catch.
I'm lost. Through gaining a greater perspective of this world and not just what the news and government decide to tell us, I have found myself in the dark. I guess I wonder, inside, where do I fit in, in the whole thing? Am I chasing dreams or ambitions that will tie my noose? Are my flaws and weaknesses the nails awaiting to seal the coffin on what really matters? What really matters? Deep in my heart I hold a song near and dear. It's called "Stare at the Sun" by Thrice. It's his cry to God, asking where the answers are and why he can't find the unadulterated truth on this earth. He offers up his mortal vision to receive a sign. His devotion to the truth in this is always chill-worthy and support-worthy. I think many of us have had these times in our lives. You just don't know. You don't even know what your goals are anymore let alone how to attain them. You don't even know if setting goals is worthy of your time. It's like you're in a pitch black room; no sound, no light. You don't know how you got there; you have no recollection of anything previous to you being there. What do you do? Why would you do anything? Who's to say there is anything in the room you need to reach or obtain? Who's to say there are walls? You can't see them. What if moving from your position puts your life in jeopardy? And in all reality, we will lay their until we receive a sign; a spec of light, a sound, a voice, a breeze, anything to give us bearing.
On my mission I had one goal when talking with people on the street; make them question their life. Few people were interested in some foreign religion from terrible Hungarian speakers. So I threw it all on the table with them. Why? Why are they doing what they do? It was the least I could do to help them gain perspective. And I feel like I'm on the chopping block now. Why am I chasing my dreams? What weight do these dreams have? What frame of reference are we using to measure this "weight"?
It's like I've literally run out of philosophical fuel. I can't handle the word "why" right now because it gets pulled apart in a million different directions instead of focusing it on one thing.
I think loneliness plays a bigger role in this, more than I'd like to admit. It seems as humans we desire companionship. I think it's because we recognize our weaknesses and hope that we find someone who needs our strengths like we need theirs. Being 24 and single in Utah is a surefire way to feel lost and outcast. All but a couple of my friends are married. And I suck at making friends. I have the friends I have for a reason. Here in Utah, it seems like you can only make friends if you conform to "fit the bill" of certain groups. Me? Well I'm effed. I'm not good enough for the one half and I'm not bad enough for the other. I'll cuss but my conviction of Christ does not change. And I hold no bias against either group, but neither group has the tolerance for me. The partiers and "rebels" don't like me because I don't drink. I don't want a substance to inhibit my decision making. No thanks. And yes. I will talk about my conviction of Christ and the Atonement at the drop of a hat. The other, "good/non-rebelious" half just can't handle me asking questions or swearing. Because swearing is the worst thing you can possibly do. Porn is plaguing the church and half of the members (and the world) but condemn me for using a word arbitrarily designated by the English language as vulgar.
So here I am. Lost as can be. I want to run to what I know, but what I once had at my side is gone. I look at society and am baffled that the masses just don't care. They don't want to know anything. They are the puppets of big business and government. "Get a degree!" "Make a bunch of money!" "Get in line for the shower!" But we don't have a choice in so many of these societal traditions. Try living without a cell phone now. I doubt you could even hold onto a job without one. It's required to be at your hip. You have to be reachable. But what about the rest? Car. Job. House. Family. Taxes. The system. How do we weed out the blatant lies or artificial needs and find the things that really matter? I don't know right now.
I think all you really want, when you feel lost or broken inside, is someone to sincerely ask how you are. Someone who can break the chains, if only for a short time. You just want someone to care no matter how confused and lost you may feel. You can't ask for it. You can't provoke it. If someone can't see that something inside of you is causing you grief or pain, they either aren't looking hard enough or they really don't care. Maybe they're a summer soldier; they just want the good times out of you and the bad is left up to you alone.

If this post has you confused, then you're getting a glimpse of what this does. Your mind is all over the place running through everything you have heard and trying to find something to put your feet on. You have a couple choices at this point; go where you were headed before this all broke down, follow the flow of society or culture wherever you are, or fight the fight and keep seeking truth. I have found that simple things have helped me more than anything. Music is one of those things, simple music.
I was listening to music at work today and "A Greater Foundation" by As I Lay Dying came on. The theme line of the song says, "Sometimes we have to watch our whole lives fall apart, before we can rebuild them again; a greater foundation." That song gave me the patience to wait this out. It's not over but I know that these things take time. Sometimes all you can do is just take it a day at a time. Don't let go of everything just yet. Just give it some time until you can methodically take your questions at your own pace. Sometimes you just don't have the strength, don't force it. The answers will find their way to those who desire truth even if that person feels lost right now. Taking life at a slower pace is not giving up. Spending less time on the "why's" is not conforming. You have to get through what you're going through, the rest will come in its time. This song (below) hits home for me. As hard as it is, it's a strange comfort being lost.

"Don't forget, everything is okay in the end.
[You] are not okay, but this is not the end yet."

 "Strange Comfort" 
The Color Morale

I know I'm lost with no motivation to find my way back
I left myself down a paper trail of the pages of my mind, now I want them back,
I'm somewhere between no courage among the other things I lack
Lost in desperation where an ember turns to an ash
Somewhere along this path I crossed the line
Broken promises I've made without thinking twice
Left my second thought and reason behind
All in the name of making this world mine
All in the name of building my own
Why do I think that I have to live this life alone, I know I'm lost

I know, I know I'm lost, I know, I know I'm lost
But what scares me the most is I'm starting to feel at home
I know, I know I can't stay here forever, when we lose ourselves we find each other

I find this strange comfort in being lost in life
Wherever I end up will I belong there this time?
So when you feel your heart sink into your chest
Don't forget everything is okay in the end
We are not okay but this is not the end yet

We are not okay but this is not the end yet
We are not okay but this is not the end

I know, I know I'm lost, I know, I know I'm lost
But what scares me the most is I'm starting to feel at home
I know, I know I can't stay here forever, when we lose ourselves we find each other

The Problem With "Likes"

I come from the transition stage of technology. I remember getting our first usable computer, using dial-up and that weird, unforgettable noise you heard on the phone if someone was using the internet. After that, things got real. MSN-Messenger-real. It was your goal to have as many conversations going at once as possible and then head down to the high school football game and meet up. I had an MSN-Messenger girlfriend here and there, no biggie. I changed my name and sub-name thingy to lyrics from Simple Plan or Saves The Day, whatever. Then came MySpace. Oh, man. MySpace. The place. And who could forget MyYearbook with the battles and challenges? It was all pretty fun. And as a guy, your only aim was to meet girls or impress them through these things or to communicate with them. In fact, the only reason I created a Facebook back in 09 was because I couldn't find a girl, who I had met in one of my college classes, on MySpace. So I gave in, got a Facebook, thought it was gay as could be, but I got to hang out and take that girl out on dates even though it had nothing to do with me finding her on Facebook. Because, like, we actually talked and stuff in our class.

When I got back from my mission, Facebook had apparently exploded and touch screens kinda freaked me out. Since then, I have dated a few girls and I've noticed a pattern and I've seriously been thinking about this whole social media phenomenon and it's connection to dating and social interaction for about a year now.

Firstly; Let's be honest, girls need attention. Some more than others. But it's pretty safe to say that girls have an innate desire to feel wanted or appreciated or praised. I think guys do, as well, but girls seem to crave it more than guys, and that's a good thing. I believe it's necessary for a well balanced and dynamic relationship.

Now think about your newsfeed on Facebook. Think about those girls that post the most irrelevant quote with some stupid selfie that racks up nearly 200 likes in a couple hours. To me, that's insane. The most "Likes" I've ever gotten was from a random "relatable" picture I shared about playing outside as a child, I think it was like 80-something likes. Even the best songs that I've recorded have only gotten maybe 40 likes and that's because I tagged my mom in it and her friends thought it was "just so cute."

I'll admit it. I've done the "Hey, you don't know me, but we should hang out" spill. I think everyone has been on at least one end of this situation. And honestly, it doesn't really work. Has it worked a time or two? Yeah. Has anything ever really come of it. Nope.

It seems to me that meeting new people is becoming harder and harder. I know my brothers and sisters, back in the day, just went to "hang out" places and met people all the time. In my day, like high school, we went to dances or other social events and met people. And now? Well, we sure do check our Instagram and Facebook and (do people really use Twitter? Or is it just something the media wants me to believe?) countless times a day. We take the time to let EVERYONE know how our trip to Walmart was. The times that I have been asked to take a picture for someone (both guys and girls) to put on their SnapChat story makes me sick. But I think I've figured it all out. I figured out what's really happened.

Social media killed dating. 

It's dead and buried. And you can thank your lucky "likes" for putting the nail in the coffin. You see, as I mentioned earlier, girls need attention. And they seek most of that attention from guys. And most girls, if you ask them, what they really want is that attention from just one guy. They want a lasting, enduring relationship. And guys, well, we're still chasing. We always will.
If you've ever been around kids, either you or their parents will tell them to wait to eat snacks until after a meal. I've got 20-something nieces and nephews, and I've seen what happens when they get away with eating snacks or candy before dinner. They're hungry but they just can't wait and the only thing at their disposal is finger food. So they get to dinner and they don't eat. They're not hungry anymore, even though all they could think about was eating dinner, they filled up on less substantial food.

Attention works the same way. I think most of us, if not all of us, want something meaningful that fulfills that desire for attention. The problem is that the girl you just messaged or met at school or a dance, who has nearly 250 likes on her profile pic, will post about finding "that guy" a million times before she will ever pony up and spend time with you (even if she is interested in you), or with any of the guys who feed her her daily dose of likes, because she has all the attention she needs She doesn't know it, but she lives on your Likes and she doesn't need your or any one guy's attention; her selfie fills that for her and it's free attention. She doesn't have to work for it, she doesn't have to give any of her attention back. There's no stress involved. Turning you down, or standing you up is a consequence of her infatuation with cyber attention and cyber ego. It gives her an ego rush like you wouldn't believe just by turning you down, or ignoring you, because, subconsciously, she thinks that she has all of those "likers" at her disposal but she has lost interest in taking a risk and spending time with someone. She loves those hopeless-romantic memes and she will post publicly that she wants "that relationship" but she's not willing to trek through the "Hi. What's your name?"-s and the "So what's your favorite [whatever]"-s to get that. It has literally been wired in her brain, because of her instant cyber attention, that "Happily ever after" is as easy as posting a selfie. She may know consciously, that that's not how it works. But her impulses and emotions, controlled by her subconscious, behave in a way that is detrimental to her opening up to anyone in real life.

This may seem harsh but I've spent a lot of time paying attention and watching for patterns and this is real. Girls don't have an interest in dating. Why risk spending an evening on a date with someone you may not connect with or like if you can get your jollies spending your evening on social media and ignoring the ones you don't want to interact with because you don't want that kind of stress and pressure?  It's a lot like pornography, honestly; A synthetic fulfillment of satisfaction. So much so that it depletes your desire to live real life where you will get turned down, where you will have bad dates, where you will have to deal with emotions, drama and disappointment.

Welcome to real life, ladies. You'll have to get off your high horse and go on dates with guys who have the guts to ask you out. You'll also have to be straight up with guys you're not interested in after you spend a little time getting to know them (going through their FB profile does not count). And, seriously, quit hiding behind the "I'm busy, but maybe next time" B.S.

Dating has died because girls expect something that doesn't exist, courtesy of social media. So many girls post claims that they want old-fashioned dating to come back but every one of them would be freaked out if they were directly asked out. It's like they claim to want that old-fashioned thing but they'd rather get to know you through the stuff you post on Facebook first and then maybe hang out, maybe not, and then probably bail on you because spending one-on-one time with someone they don't know is scary.

I'm not here to tell you to say yes to every guy who asks you out, however. What I will tell you is that promises still mean something, commitments still mean something and they will always challenge your character. It's not easy. Getting to know someone is not easy. Following through with a commitment is not easy. Relationships go so much deeper than any picture you see of a couple on your news feed. As a young missionary, all I heard were "cloud nine" stories. What I didn't hear were the horror stories that took place to get to a good story. At first I thought it was all about having those experiences like the ones you hear at homecomings. I soon learned to hate telling stories and swore off telling "success stories" because that's not what it's about. It's not about telling someone your "love story." It's about learning and growing and finding someone you can continue to do that with. I went through more bad times on my mission than good times. I know it works the same way for real life. You can't hit a homerun if you don't swing. Dating is high risk, high reward. Take chances; go out with someone you might not normally say yes to. Only then, will you have a story worth telling and once you have it, you won't care to tell anyone about because you'd rather just live it. I promise that it's more fulfilling than the shallow attention you get from your selfie.

Stop living off of likes and start living.

The Lineman Stance

I played football every year that I could. Starting in 6th grade, I padded up each year 'til my last game as a senior for Juab High School. I played both wide-receiver and defensive-back. I learned a lot but I didn't learn it all at once. In fact, I learned the majority of it all following graduation and into my LDS mission and to this day I continue to find value in those experiences both bad and good. Trust me, there were a many of both.

Lately, on Facebook I have noticed a lot of posts complaining about people changing, people leaving, and turning their back. I think we've all experienced this at some point in our life; That friend you once had to turn to is no longer there for you. That significant other, to whom you were their everything, all of the sudden has no interest in spending anymore time with you. It happens all the time and Facebook is, apparently, the place to make it known to the world.

I've had my own ups and downs with people that I thought would be there for the long haul. Ranging from friends to girlfriends to almost girlfriends and snowmobiles. I've seen the, once, constants in my life fade to something so small that they became completely negligible in my life's equation. 

I have seen quite a number of people on Facebook recently posting about their trust issues; "I hate when people change" "Just goes to show you can't trust anyone not even your best friend" "<Insert meme about resorting to some cliché feel good whatnot like a cat or pizza>" Yeah, I've had my times where I've said similar things out of disappointment but after seeing loads and loads of this stuff, I swore it all off.

There is a song by one of my all-time favorite bands, As I Lay Dying, "The Only Constant is Change." The title says it all. In this life there is so much adversity and unpredictability, something I now see as a blessing no matter how difficult it may be at the time for me. Change is the only thing you can count on in this life. Look around. All you see is change; the seasons, the trends, the phases of life, the knowledge people possess and so much more. Some change we find to be in our favor, other change... well, you know what that feels like to you. It can be uncomfortable. It can hurt. It can tear us apart from the inside-out. It can even break you, if you let it.

I think our natural instinct to discomfort is to turn our back on whatever it is we associate that with. The most common is dating. How many times I've seen a girl post about how she's "single for life" because "<stereotypical guy trait broad-brushed to label us all>"....  I couldn't even count. The kicker is that I'll see that same girl not even 2 weeks later posting pictures with some guy and "He's the best" and "<blah blah blah>". And then the cycle repeats and she's pissed and starts posting memes about becoming a crazy cat lady. It seems like she's either head-over-heels or bass-ackward from being dumped or betrayed.

While I was playing for Juab, I remember our coach teaching our linemen the proper stance and showing them the consequences of doing it incorrectly. He had one lineman get in his 3-point stance (2 feet + 1 hand = 3 points of contact). He would then squat down in front of him, judge his balance and swipe his arm and the lineman would fall over. So he got back up, coach asked him if he was ready, the lineman replied that he was. This time, coach shoved his shoulders back and he fell over backwards. Coach then explained the danger of both of these positions: On a run, you want to push forward down-field and your body wants to be set to spring forward like a sprinter in a race. On a pass, the lineman can't go down-field so they have to stand and your body wants to shift the weight back to stand up quickly. Coach, then, got a more experienced lineman and asked him to demonstrate. The lineman got down and gently set his hand down. Coach swiped, didn't move. Coach shoved, he pushed back. He was perfectly centered and was ready for run block or pass block and the defender couldn't tell which one he was going to execute until the ball was snapped.

The parallels here are phenomenal. How often do we get that arm taken out from under us just as we're about to dive into something head-first and land flat on our face? The next time around, usually being fairly pissed off about the last outcome, we think we compensate adequately (we really over-compensate) and lean back ready to laugh when the defender goes to swipe your arm. He pushes you and you land on your butt as he takes your quarterback's head off. A smart defender, which in this case is really on the offense attacking while you defend the QB or the runner, can read your body and you will, 9 times out of 10, fall by your weakness.

That defensive lineman is life. You can either control it by reacting to what it does while you execute your objectives or you'll be on your back or face-down looking at the grass. People are going to change simply because other people change because other people change because other people changed, as well. The causes of change are, well, they're kind of a black box experiment; we don't know why clear liquid comes out when red liquid goes in, it just does and we can't predict change very well. So that liquid may be red today, and green tomorrow. For the most part, that box is impenetrable. All we can do is balance ourselves the best we can. Diving into relationships and finding your identity in someone else while dating, is dangerous; one swipe and you're face-down again. Turning cold and backing away will land you on your back with one shove at the shoulder. I wish we could all see that it's not others that cause this excessive pain or bitterness; it's ourselves. Losing someone that means the world to you is painful and will almost always require some time to pick up the pieces. But bitterness and torment depends on us. You may have been dating someone for a year but you're still you, and if properly balanced, you'll find a way to adapt: Whether the QB audibles for a run or a pass, you won't have to shift your weight, you'll just be ready for either one. So if she's gonna dump you, it's gonna be tough, but you can stand in one place and hold your ground. But if she's gonna commit and you are, as well, then you're ready to plunge forward with harnessed and directed power and control. It's like a damping constant in a bouncing spring equation, it's gonna bounce but if you can find that balance to allow for enough movement but not completely stop, then you'll be set. This allows for ups and downs that are not so dramatic i.e. "He's the best guy ever!" to "I'm buying a million cats. I hate guys." It's always a game of adjustments. The aforementioned song says "there is nothing to embrace change." I disagree... to an extent. While there is no antidote for change, there does exist humility and willingness to change and adapt; an amazingly powerfull skill humans have but do not realize ("Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl gives a powerful account of human adaptation to change).

So how about, instead of being pissed at people that change and let us down while we play the "I'll never trust again" card, we just hope for the best in everyone and realize that people change and that we don't know their circumstances, either. We can be mad at a friend who let us down or a significant other who betrayed us, but those are individual, personal cases, and we can't claim to know their circumstances, no matter how well we know them personally. Maybe they've got anxiety. Maybe something happened that they just have to deal with on their own leaving you to feel like you've been abandoned. Maybe they just don't have the loyalty to stick around. Either way you look at it, just let it be; they've got their own life to deal with. Be willing to get to know other people. That doesn't mean you have to be naive and get taken by others. It simply means that you can stand on your own. You have an identity with or without those people. Constantly working on that perfect stance will not only decrease your own vulnerability, but it will strengthen you to help others, as well, as they face changes in their own life.

"There is only growth or decay." We can jump to the extreme and shelter ourselves only to let opportunities pass us by after a failed lunge forward, or we can be humble, hope for the best in everyone and find meaning in tragedy and disappointment. We all have the ability to stand on our own. When we find that balance of humility and determination, we will be more ready to face the challenges and changes that lie ahead in our lives as well as being ready to seize those opportunities that come our way. No matter what life throws at you, who walks out on you, or what tragedy you have to overcome, there is always a way rise above and adapt. Always.

3 Years

3 years ago today I came home after serving 2 years as a missionary for the LDS church in Hungary. I was so stoked to come home to America, see the mountains, shoot a gun, crack my Hungarian whips. I experienced a wide variety of things on my mission, it definitely wasn't a run-of-the-mill mission like you're used to hearing in Sacrament meeting.

Partway through my mission I had a realization; I wasn't there to be someone else. I was there to love the people and help them in anyway I could. So I quit worrying about the rules that I had been so worried about all the time and went day to day trying to help others. (I'll write about that journey in greater detail some other time.) So when I reached the point when I knew the end was near, I was excited. I had a tough mission, personally. I was ready to come home and kick the anxiety and depression and breathe in some American air. I was trunky. I have no shame in saying that. The last half of my last transfer, I don't think a morning study session went by without me staring out the window thinking of the sand dunes and sev runs and triple kills with my boys back home. It was summer and the only sled I had back home had a 2 inch hole in the case, so I was thinking summer. Though sledding was on my mind a lot throughout my mission, in fact, I remember exactly when and where I came up with my company name "Pin'd" on the mission, and of course it was in church just doodling in my planner during some conference or meeting that was being televised to us. It kinda kept me going, looking forward to something back home. It all did; my stories I repeated to my companions, my ever-increasing love and gratitude for my country, my guitar especially and the pictures of my cabin. These were my get-aways on the mission, my escape. We had to deal with some crazy things over there, and I guess I was just weak or so emotionally invested in these people that I overloaded myself, which lead to a lot of darkness and depression but the meaning and value in those times are incomparable to anything. (Once again, I'll write about that in a different post.)

So there I was, training my son (mission slang for first-transfer missionary) in my last transfer and I am glad he was chill because halfway through, it was apparent that I was excited to go home (it was more hot and cold really but still excited). And the whole time I just knew inside that I had stayed true to myself, I didn't become some robot out there knocking on doors, I was me, just me, just trying to help and of course trying to solve philosophical problems at the same time. Nothing about me was artificial at that point, I had weaknesses and I had worked to be better and didn't try to cover them up or deny them to myself. Because I knew I wasn't anything but myself, I was certain that the transition to home-life would take about as long as the plane ride. Wrongo.

I got on the plane with 3 other elders and away we went. I got my first taste of commonly-spoken English as the flight attendants spoke and gave instructions as we were headed to London. That was trippy. Still stoked to get home. From Heathrow, London we split ways and I was on my own, and I was headed for Chicago. Then the American English enveloped me. I was pretty weirded-out by that but man, America. Freakin' America. I got to the O'Hare airport and headed straight for the food. Barq's root beer and an American pizza. As I sat there taking a picture of my glorious 'merican food, a family came and sat by me and the dad asked, "You coming or going." I said I was going home. I had my carry-on suitcase, my backpack and my guitar that I bought in my first area. The dad noticed the guitar and smugly said, "I thought elders weren't allowed to have musical instruments?" I really didn't know what to say to that. On our mission, we taught English. In fact, we were required by the mission president to teach formal classes weekly. So we spent a lot of time handing out flyers and we were encouraged by our president to "just do what works." So we'd try and if it worked, great, if not, move on, change it up. And guitaring, as we called it, worked to get peoples attention to take our flyers and see that we were native English speakers, so I sang my little heart out almost everyday out there. I wasn't very good but it got the job done. And an explanation like that would have sufficed but I just let it slip and I think that's when it started to sink in.

I got on the plane headed for the Rockies/God's country/Utah. I thought I was going to be so excited but halfway there I went numb. I even listened to the coming home music my mom sent me for the trip: "Country Roads (take me home), etc." Didn't work. I was frantically trying to get stoked, I mean, I could see the shadows of the mountains I had missed so dearly for 2 years, I saw the valley lights, and I was going to see my family. But it was gone. I didn't want to get off that plane. I didn't want to see my family. I just wanted to be alone. But I moved forward off the plane, towards the pick-up area. To help understand the layout of that part at that time, there was a big plexiglass wall and behind that, an open area where an escalator takes you up or down. I was coming down into that area and at the bottom, I caught a glimpse of my family and panicked, I wasn't ready to see my family, I wanted to be alone. So I hid. I jumped behind a giant pillar and stood there probably for a good 4-5 minutes until my nephews ran way out along the wall to where they could see me standing behind the pillar and yelled out, "There he is!!". I was pretty pissed. I turned and looked over as he pointed at me, bit my lip and turned to walk out the walk-way. All but one brother and one sister were there to see me arrive. I had a few friends and close relatives there as well. And my mom was definitely mad at me for hiding. But she gave me a hug anyway and I went through the motions and heard someone snicker at my "interesting choice" of a tie, took a few pictures and drove home.

Even though I was not as excited as I had anticipated I still looked forward to the relief of coming home and running around my house and pulling out my whip and cracking it in the front yard as my last battle cry. It didn't go as planned. In the weeks after, I struggled. Luckily I had a few good friends there to support me and the next 10 months, well, let's just say I'm glad I bought that '07 M1000 snowmobile.

It took me quite a while to understand what really happened when I came home. I was sure that I was ready, I mean, I was me. And the me I know loves going fast, listening to metal, playing halo with boys on the weekend and laughing a lot. But when I got home, I had never been so uncertain of who I was in my life. And I didn't realize that until a couple years later. You see, I overlooked something, I thought that the only ones who went through that "awkward" post-mission phase were the ones who went through the motions, more or less. I wasn't awkward, I was just lost. I was lost exactly because I came home as me who had put himself through the wringer of self-purification and who was tried daily for the hardest and most painful 2 years of his life. I had not let anything become artificial, and that's why it was so hard. I really had changed inside. I was, by no means, some glorious specimen of perfect love and virtue but I had changed from the inside-out to someone who wanted to seek truth and help others. And all this time I thought that I was just avoiding the outside-in change that wore off after a few weeks of being home. I came home, and I lost my purpose.

I don't want to compare what we do in the mission to what our armed forces do but I watched American Sniper when it came out and after the last deployment it showed him sitting in a bar, in America and then casually telling his wife that he was stateside and had been for some time. That hit me hard, I get chills just thinking about that scene. Even though I wasn't defending freedom with a gun and putting my life on the line like our brave men and women do daily in name of freedom, I had a purpose and I immersed myself in that, even though it sucked. Even though it wasn't a happy thing, I gained a desire to seek truth and help others challenge their way of thinking. That bar scene sent me back behind that pillar. I will never say that I know exactly how someone feels, but I think there was something close. I saw someone who didn't know where he was or who he was because he had given his everything out on that field, even though all they could talk about out there was going home. Even though he went through the most traumatic experiences of his life, his purpose was still out on that field and when he came home for the last time, it finally hit him that he didn't know how to be anything else but a sniper watching over his brothers. Worst of all, he didn't know where to start. And that was me. How could I ever find purpose as great as I did out in the mission field? What do I do now? Get a job? Go to school? I spent 2 years of my life away from my family (only to communicate through email once a week and skype twice a year) to be totally dedicated to something so much greater than myself. Standing behind that pillar, I wanted to just hide, or better yet, disappear. It wasn't that I didn't love my family. I just think that right then and there, something inside of me knew that I would have to find myself and to start from ground-zero, I would have to be alone to do that.

It took me a long time to get to the point where I thought I had my feet on the ground. I have since ceased thinking that at any point and have accepted that the only constant is change and that the purpose I felt on my mission would stay there with my mission. Life goes on to different things that build upon our past even though we may want to forget parts and pieces or maybe just the whole thing in general, it's all built on our past and the past is there to stay. A strong future requires a solid foundation. A solid foundation is tried, tested, pushed to the limits, and has a lot of short-lived but deeply meaningful times. Those times may be the times we wish to have back again because of the joy or purpose we found in them or maybe we just want a part of those experiences. The mission was the most meaningful for me, and high school sports was joyful as well as meaningful.

If you've built a house or even seen a house being built, you'd know that what the house sits on doesn't make for a very effective roof; concrete with steel bars running through it in 2 foot-wide runs. The same goes for our lives. We have meaningful times of the past, for parents it's when their kids were just little and their whole world revolved around making memories on budget camping trips or getting ice cream for a Friday night treat. But those times pass and those children become teenagers and somehow manage to become adults and start their own families. Those moments can't last forever, those "simple times" or "good old days" can't last forever, but they become the catalyst for our futures. Those once little kids grow up on a solid foundation of making memories to make more memories with their own children. And as for me, I think I have finally started to see it all with greater perspective. I wouldn't go back to my mission. I kinda hated it at the time between depression, anxiety and health issues as well as the crazies we had to deal with, (It drained my every emotion) I wouldn't go back and start all over unless I could take with me what I know now. But I long for that purpose that I found in retrospect. I see now that this purpose is my catalyst to being a truth-seeker for life, and follower of Christ (even though I fail to tread his path miserably at times). This purpose and loss of purpose gave me the foundation to walking through life with opened eyes. It has forged me into the person I am today. Even with all my weaknesses and vices, I see life ahead. I desire to, on the conditions that I somehow convince a girl to marry me, teach my family what I've learned in hopes that it maybe opens their eyes a little earlier than mine were opened. The mission isn't the goal in life. The mission was to help others and as a by-product I became who I am today. I would not have gained that without first finding my purpose out there. My purpose was to get me to where I ended up and now to use that to fuel the constructing of my future.

So here I am 3 years later. And as hard as it was to lose my purpose, my everything, it has given me the eyes to see the hope ahead and the understanding to know that my loss of purpose will grant me greater knowledge and perspective for the memories that lie ahead.